Endings are bittersweet. I love writing at the end of each day, but remembering is a challenge. This is the month where I share my feelings. It makes me think deeper and analyze what happens in my life. Slice of life gives me an emotional outlet to share what I feel with you. I am not ready to leave this. An ending is not what I want. But I will stop it here. As I thank you for letting me share these small parts of my life. Until next year.
People will always abuse any power they are given. Many times I feel as though I allow people to have too much power over me. I can dodge a lot of the control they think they have, but sometimes I can’t. I am a weak person during these times. I can’t help but allow these people to use the power I have allowed them to have. It’s my own fault. Allowing people to have power over me is how I let them into my life. I trust that they will use it properly, or not use it at all. But I put the weapon I their hands. Some people can break me in two seconds. Taking back the power is not easy. I have to cut all connection or they will be able to gain more very easily. One thing I just realized is that I have only found a select few people who haven’t abused their power over me. They are the ones that I didn’t give power too soon. The ones that took time to know me before controlling me. The people I have trusted the most in life.
There is always a voice in my head nagging me.
But I don’t want to.
My family tells me I need to.
But my emotions are too strong.
I know the consequences.
But I would rather suffer and cry.
Every fiber of my being pushes me towards it.
But something continues to hold me back.
It’s not as easy as just trying. I have to be mentally ready for the work load. Today was one day where I found enough distractions that I drew out my suffering for hours. The sad part is
I know I will do it again soon.
Friends. The final understanding that they actually want the friendship. Small moments or an unimportant phrase are all it takes. They become a more important part of you. Talking to them is the best part of the day.
Parents. They do so much, but eventually it seems as though they only do what they have to. Sometimes they don’t even find time to buy food. But small moments change that thinking easily. A trip out just to get a poster or a request to watch a movie together. Realization hits that they do care, they show love anytime it’s possible.
Books. One book can take over my mind for days at a time. The characters keep me going and I constantly think of how they would react to my situation. That feeling, almost like a trance, fills any empty holes I have inside. Sometimes to the point that they burst and I need a new book to fill the bigger hole left behind.
Laughing. It seems to change my view on the world each time. Any uncomfortable situation can be fixed immediately. Wavering thoughts become solidified. I feel lighter with every uncontrollable fit that comes my way. Laughing is a natural magic that I like to use at least twice a day.
Once tradition is broken. There is no going back. Preserve them, for soon they will all be lost.
A plastic bag+pictures+friends+lack of sleep+a smidge of stupidity+fun=
An amazing night, that will now haunt me for weeks
P.s. It’s not as bad as you think.
One day gone.
Chores never finished.
1.5 meals eaten.
Mind at rest.
The weight of the week lifts off my shoulders. The words just keep coming until I’ve almost lost my voice. Mom rubs my head as she listens, adding comments and asking questions alone the way. Once I start talking, it’s like everything I forgot comes back to me. There is no specific topic. I just tell all about the days since I last let all my thoughts slip out of my mouth. Conversation moves from weird dreams, to awkward friendships, to school projects. My mom sits and plays solitare on her phone while I flop about, continuously talking. My energy level rises as I get excited about new things in my life. The t.v. is just background noise as my chatter continues. The only stop that can come is bed time. Only now do I realize how much better I feel after letting all my thoughts be shared with another, even the ones I didn’t know were weighing me down.
I can’t sleep. The hour of blood pumping hard work has energized me. It caused me to lose any sense of tiredness inside me from an hour ago. My dad says I need to sleep, but I can’t seem to make myself move to bed. Mom keeps telling funny stories. As long as everyone continues to talk, I will stay. There is nothing like the feeling of knowing I will hate myself for this in the morning and still not being able to sleep. Sorry tomorrow me, but I just can’t.
I can’t think. It’s as if a shadow has come over my mind. Emotions easily bubble to the surface. I have no control. It gets me in trouble, but I can’t bring myself to fully care. It’s almost like i’m a different person, with a totally different personality. Tomorrow, with enough sleep, I will be normal again. But for now I have to think deeper about how my actions affect myself and others. As it doesn’t seem to be coming naturally right now.