Monthly Archives: March 2018

Apparently, today was the day that every stress I have ever experienced, or even thought of experiencing, was dumped on me.

First, I had to decide between the two best things in my life.

Then, I felt nauseous and worried that I would get sick at school.

Then, I was forced to make some decisions that will dictate my life for years to come.

Then, my mom chose to interrogate people that I see daily on their philosophies of education.

Then, I was late to a practice due to various reasons listed.

Finally, the one thing that has always been constant, math, made no sense for the first time in a while.

 

It may have been one of the most emotional days I have ever experienced.  Looking back on today, I can see how much it will shape me as a person. At the time, it seemed like too much, but now I realize that too much is just enough in disguise.

Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable.

-Paul Frank Baer

My favorite time of the year is about to begin. Every last available second will be filled with tennis, golf, dance, school, and family engagements. For some reason, the constant activity creates a sense of awareness and belonging that makes me excessively happy. I only have three more, and the thought just pushes me to enjoy the responsibility as it comes.

At this point, my brain is so full of information that I feel physically numb. I may be able to recite more about America during the 1960’s than I can about myself. That knowledge is cushioned with some tennis mantras that I am attempting to remember, and there seems to be no room left for a real in-depth slice today. In order to follow my theme, I have to share what I learned about myself today, and that is that my brain’s limit grows nearer as sleep takes over.

“Nice shot!”

“There you go!”

“Keep it up!”

All these things, and more, can be heard through the complete chaos. Each time they are said, someone’s mood gets a little brighter, and the bond between girls grows stronger. A little bit of healthy competition ensues over who can be the most uplifting as well as actual athletic ability. As exhaustion hits each person, grogginess only unifies us once more.

I feel like a child on Christmas Eve. Sleep eludes me; drowsiness is replaced with the high of happiness. Tennis. Tennis starts tomorrow, and I seem to come out of my shell a little more each time it does. This year will be different than last. I know that the people around me and the comparative atmosphere will be remember for years to come. Life is good, and I love anything that reminds me of that seemingly insignificant fact.

I wait

and wait.

For what?

I’m uncertain.

The time,

the work,

the struggle

must be

worth something.

If not,

then what’s

the point?

 

I believe that it’s human nature to inherently love learning. Many people “hate” classes and school simply because they are an expectation, but everyone likes some form of education. Finding out a new aquintence’s favorite color, listening to stories from people’s childhood, anf discovering new games and activities are all forms of learning in daily life. Throughout the day, I periodically stepped back to realize the pure happiness that came each time I learned something new. All of a sudden, anxiety for the future was relieved, and I realized that nothing can hold me back if I’m excited and willing to learn everything I possibly can. Success comes to those who enjoy their responsibilities.

Today, I am empowered by International Women’s Day.

As I’m asked to plan my entire life in a few short years (sometimes days), I can’t help but feel afraid. “What if” questions swirl in my head, and I allow them to make decisions for me. My dreams of the future seem so distant and unreachable that I am scared to even try. The process continues while I ponder. Just when it seemed like stress might get the best of me this time, a light appears to pull me from the darkness. People all around me are living an enjoyable life, and they had to make the same impossible decisions I’m making. If there are successful people in the world, why can’t one of them be me? My mother provides the most important level-headed yet caring responses to my woes, and I realize that women are such incredible role models that I don’t have to stress; I just have to take the road that has been laid for me and add my own creative flair.

Head pounding

Body aching

Nose burning

Throat dry

Eyes watering

Brain numb

One call

Two words

Snow day

Day made

I feel like my whole life is spent trying to get out of the way of others. Maybe not always physically, but at least once a day I consciously avoid doing things to disrupt other’s lives. It started as a method of conveying manners and being polite in public, but it’s evolution became toxic. Every decision I make is clouded with various possible consequences. It has led to my so-called success, but it has also led to the 2D individual that I have become. Nothing deep seems worth sharing because so many other people have more important ideas and plans that I don’t want to take attention away from.

This is the main cause of my March mission. I need to teach myself to trust that people may care about things other than the superficial. After reflecting on today, I understand that hiding is not helping and it may even be hurting.