My posts from last year, my snapchat memories, and my friends all take turns reminding me how different this year is from last. I was “living it up” in my post from last March– too busy to post. I expected this year to be no different, maybe even worse. In a crazy turn of events, we are now living through an extreme global crisis. I can honestly say, this is not the historic event I was planning to experience. An economic recession alone or some cool space travel would have been enough to feel like I would have some stories to tell future generations; COVID-19 goes beyond that.
Now, instead of scrambling to complete my exhausting coursework while leading an incredible tennis team to many victories and helping my community through multiple clubs, I am stuck in my house like the rest of America. I feel helpless and confused; there are very few answers about just how much of my senior year I will actually have to forfeit. Those feelings make me feel guilty, though. People are dying at alarming rates, and I am worried about one little walk to receive a piece of paper. My friend’s dad has cancer, and I am still upset that I might lose prom. I like to think that everyone can be upset about both the big and little things at a time like this, but it doesn’t make me feel better.
I also really want to help people. I want to watch people’s kids or get the elderly groceries or help students with the schoolwork their parents were not prepared to teach, but my dad falls in the “high risk” category, and I can’t be the reason he is affected by the pandemic. I can’t even visit my grandma– not that I would be the reason she would get it, as she still has to work every day– in fear that my psyche could not handle it if there was even a chance that I got her sick. It makes me angry that we have to sit back and wait out the sickness, but it hasn’t been all bad.
I will still have an open house, so I can make decorations and plans for that. The internet is extremely helpful in battling the loneliness of social distancing; even though we are losing some of the last time we have with our high school friends, some level of normalcy continues with social media.
That is a lot for today, and I’m sure most of these will be about this crazy time. After all, it’s not every day, year, or decade that the whole world seems to shut down around you!
Julia – thank you for sharing so honestly! Your fears and concerns are shared with so many others. We were supposed to go on vacation, leaving today, and it feels very wrong to be so sad about not going. Like you, I worry about my dad.
Here’s hoping that writing through some of this will help us regain a sense of control. Will help us process these feelings – big and small!