Monthly Archives: March 2016

I finally realized how fortunate I was. With my head resting on her shoulder and hers resting on my head. We could relax. Each of us took turns talking as we passed through many subjects; politics, great grandpa, future trips, driving, phones. Nothing could get to us as we sat together. The conversation was easy because mom and grandma talked so much there was no room for breathing. We only see each other once every two or three weeks, so our time was precious.  Our worlds just slows as we ate, talked, and cuddled. No other person can make you feel as comfortable and loved as a grandmother. They have a special essence that calms and strengthens at the same time. It makes me feel so fortunate that I have two, as some people don’t get this special relationship at all.

Sunday. A day meant for relaxation, to let go of the past week.
Sunday. A day to think of what’s to come. With the promise of monday hanging over head.
Sunday. A day for family. To strengthen the relationships you have.
Sunday. The needed day to finish anything you didn’t have time for.
Sunday. The perfect day for a break in life.

My girl scout troop was all set to have a cookie both at a local store. Everything was ready to go. But it was cold. Everyone was sick. We were all worried it wouldn’t go well.
The staff were so nice. They let us have it inside. We had a spot directly in the front, and they let us use the furniture they were selling.
For a while we sat, until someone realized we weren’t selling any because no one knew where we were. To fix the problem my fellow girl scout and an exchange student girl scout went to the road and held the signs we made. This brought in a few more customers, but it was too cold to stay out very long.
After we sat and stared at each other again, I decided it was my turn. I had to brave the weather too in order to be successful. We all went out, this time in heavy winter coats and spread ourselves out. Eventually, the exchange student went inside and I was left with one other girl scout.
Once we got bored, she came up with an amazingly embarrassing idea. We had to dance.
As we danced for hours next to the road, people started to notice. We would smile, wave, and dance. People would smile, wave back, and turn toward the store to buy. As this rhythm developed, we became less shy. Developing dances and continuing even when people from school drove by.  It was something I never imagined. It’s so unlike me to dance weirdly in a busy place, but it worked. I was warmer, and we managed to sell 105 boxes in only 3 hours! It amazed me how much this small act of embarrassing advertisement could bring so many customers.

I can feel the marker slowly run out of ink. I’ve tried everything to keep the ink from stopping all together. I let it sit. I shook it. I tried different angles. Nothing worked.
By this time I had been working for 2 hours already. My girlscout troop needed posters for a cookie booth. After spending an hour just to stencil out the letters, we tried to get all hands on deck so we could finish. But it was no use. We worked for hours. Interrupted every once and a while for popcorn or dogs.
After working for so long I really needed this one marker to work. Our goal was to take a trip with money from cookie sales. So the bright, sparkly silver was a necessity. I worked with that one marker for over 20 minutes before giving up.
The signs look amazing. I really hope the time was well spent. But, for now, tomorrow holds that information tightly away from us.

Tired.
Excited.
Bored.
Scared.
Sad.
Agitated.
Happy.
Angry.
Content.
Uncomfortable.
Annoyed.
Done.
Lonely.
Stupid.
Numb.

Ahh the range of feelings one day can hold. Each brought on as the answer to a new event. Some insignificant,  some overpowering.  Life leaves much space for interpretation. Sometimes, as I read through my list…I wonder if I’ve misinterpreted.

You told me not to remind you anymore, that you would always remember.

But you were wrong.

You told me not to tell you when I was forgotten, you would notice.

But you were wrong.

I sit. I wait. I watch.

But you never come back.

I slowly lose hope of you ever remembering.
Finally, I give up, and tell you.

But you won’t listen.

You claim it’s not your fault, you remembered.

But that means you forgot on purpose.

I wrote this about my dad forgetting to pick me up from dance class. I believe it could work for many things in life. As I read back through I thought of other things that connected. It just fits so many scenarios about so many things.

She thinks she is sneaking up, but I can tell she is coming.
She just left me for better petting, but she is back.
I dont have the heart to push her as she steps on my throat.
I drop everything to rub her tummy as she rolls her back onto my face.
Its my happy place, a dream for most people.
Shes a people hopper, always hoping for more love, but i’m home. She always comes back.

I’ll love her forever. She’s my baby, my Lily.

My eyes blurr after more than a minute of concentrating.
I feel myself drift into that zone between asleep and awake.
My fight to pay attention in class becomes harder to win.
My brother comes home and freaks out because “it looks like you lost a fistfight that was 4 to 1!”
Everything begins to annoy me, even the smallest sounds.
I refuse to get up, even to get food.
My head weighs 100 ibs.

I am officially more tired than I have ever been. It’s the worst experience of my life.

As I watch dancer after dancer float, or stomp, across the stage, I can’t help but compare myself to them.

My mind says terribe things.
They are so much skinnier than me.
They move so much more gracefully than me.
They’re so much better at dancing.
I should be that flexible.

I try to find reasons why. They pay way more money than I do.
They put in more hours.
They try harder.
They have a different goal.

That doesn’t always work and I blame myself.
I need to work harder.
I need to break myself to reach that.

But then I backtrack.
I try so hard.
I am a healthy person.
My life is just as full as theirs.
I have a creative outlet.

Then I start to feel bad for these broken dancers.
So much pressure.
So many people judging every move.
So many things to balance in everyday life.

I have my goals, they have theirs. Mine aren’t set as high so I can perfect what I do. I learn, they learn. We all can coexist without a reason for who is better.

It started with a need for directions. How to get to the dance competition of one of my mom’s students tomorrow. But it soon changed to a question.  Where does the Looking Glass river start? We used the google maps app on our phones and made it a race. Whoever found the source first won. We scrolled and scrolled, starting over every once in a while when we went too far in the wrong direction. We could have just googled it, found the answer easier. But as we saw the shape and the areas surrounding the looking glass river, we felt no need. Our night was flying by as we cuddled under a blanket, laughing evily when the other had to restart. My dad watching from across the room, laughing at this silly moment.

It may seem like such an unimportant question, and event that followed. But it forced my mom and I to have fun and allow ourselves to not care about everything. We had a reason, no matter how silly,  to avoid chores around the house for a few minutes. No work had to be done. We just observed. The houses, malls, forests, and roads all seemed like a thing of interest. This unimportant thing became the most important to me.